May 30, 2013 by marybinnewyork

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Today’s words to ponder…

5year old boy (passing me in the corridor): “Did you know that this is the ‘important-est’ floor in the school?”

Me: “No. I didn’t know that this is the most important floor in the school. What makes you say this?”

5year old boy: (cradling his wounded arm) “Cuz this is the nurse’s office! Lots of kids always come here for ice packs” (He turns the doorknob and enters to get his ice pack.)

His comment brings me right back to Verbier, Switzerland. It is May 2010, Day 2 of our annual five day school trip at 9:30PM. We’re staying in an immaculate wooden chalet that’s actually closer to a hotel than a camp site for school groups. Each room has its own balcony, full bathroom and two bunk beds. It is nestled in rolling hills covered with various fragrant flowers and lush trees. The dewy grass is like plush carpeting between our toes. The ever-present majestic Alps surround us.

Local naturalists full of French flair guide our tours and share their expertise about the flora and fauna of this magnificent place. I’m fascinated by the skill with which our guides can pluck precisely from the forest floor various edible delights without missing a beat in our tour. Still, I always wait for them to take the first bite whenever they shove their harvested goodies into my hands nudging, “Go ahead. Eat it. It’s safe. ”

The daily unpredictable weather gives each of our mountain adventures an exciting edge, adding to the mystery of our jam-packed days which unfold from before sunrise to long after sunset. The air is so fresh I want to swallow it greedily in one gulp and store it up in my lungs like a squirrel stores food in its cheeks. The light shifts minute-by-minute creating a continuous stream of new images, one more brilliant than the next. The landscape here is quite simply, stunning; like no other place I’ve seen in all my travels. Basking in the beauty of these surroundings helps to offset the demanding moments which inevitably accompany these trips.

After nine such field trips, I can say with confidence, unpredictable weather is certain. What’s also certain is that most of these things will happen: daily homesick tears, panic-induced vomit, friendship-laden arguments, nervous bed wetting, seasonal and food-related allergy attacks, visits to the local clinic, vegan, kosher and gluten-free accommodations, administering medications for Aspergers, ADHD and various other behavior modification protocols, first aid treatments for rashes, cuts, blisters and bruises… All part of our escapades in nature…

On this particular evening, we ten teachers are taking turns peeking in on our 92 eight year old students, all of whom are finally asleep, except for Gina. It’s my turn to check on her. I drag my weary feet up the two flights of creaky stairs trying to step in the un-creaky places to avoid a repeat of last night. I press my ear up against her dormitory door. Silence…Thank God. I’m exhausted after spending the better part last night talking her out of homesickness, enticing her to get excited about today’s fun events, yummy meals and special desserts, telling happy stories, rubbing her feet, shoulders and scalp and when none of these worked, holding her hair back as she dry heaved her nerves into the toilet bowl.

This of course wakes up her three roommates who work themselves into a similar panic and join a chorus of weepers. It is 2:30 and all I can think is how the hell I’ll manage to squeeze four hysterical 8-year-olds into my tiny room with my roommate sleeping on the other bunk bed if I can’t calm them and be awake again at 6:00 ready to take on another full-day program. My own stomach becomes queasy at the idea of being in that breakfast room in four hours; a room filled with 92 kids talking so loud that my eyes hurt. Thankfully, I managed to rub Gina’s back for the last time and tell a bedtime story that had all girls fast asleep by 3:00.

I poke my face into Gina’s dark room and listen one last time. No movement. Whew. I’m in no shape to talk to her Mom at this late hour either. Taking on the role of Nurse on these trips is nerve wracking; issues like these and constantly checking and rechecking labels, horrified at the thought of giving the wrong medications. Each of these trips raises my awareness of how important school nurses are.

Every nurse I’ve had the privilege of working with has had a remarkable ability to diffuse their huge responsibility into hilarious anecdotes. Some snippets they’d tell me about my students in their offices had me bursting into laughter. Stories of Morning and Afternoon Rush Hour which caused traffic jams at their doors with sufferers of mysterious stomach and headaches were always good for a laugh. Monday mornings and Recess time being the heaviest rush hour traffic. Accident Junkies checking out the action in the Nurses Office and Frequent Flyers dropping by several times daily for throat lozenges, Tylenol, Band-Aids and ice packs were common stories. Some FF’s just needed a little nap, down time or a cool glass of water.

Not all Frequent Flyer stories were funny though. Often times, FF’s are kids who need to lie on the comfy bed with comforting crisp white sheets and have a chat with the nurse to avoid bullying by the mean kids outside on the playground, too busy plotting their next victim to notice their absence.

Any given time of any school day requires that nurses and teachers be on “the front lines” like firefighters stopping multiple fires at once or E.R doctors treating several different emergencies simultaneously. School Nurses and Teachers should hang placards stating, The Good, the Bad and the Ugly…. Come in…We cover it all!

May 20, 2013 by marybinnewyork

Act Casual. Say Nothing.

Today’s words to ponder:

6year girl 1: “You got one ear bigger than the other because your dad married his cousin.”
6year old girl 2: “No he didn’t. He married Mommy.”
6year girl 1: “Yes!! You can Google it or ask my dad. It’s true.”

So, after my initial shock, hoping that I wouldn’t be asked to clarify this question, I coached myself, “Act casual. Say nothing. They’ll move on to another topic soon.” And, thank goodness, in typical six-year-old impulsiveness, they were on to another topic before I could completely digest this unexpected outburst and I wasn’t asked for clarification. Discussing incestuous relationships is definitely not in the realm of my professional expertise or personal comfort arena.

I can’t even count the number of times I’ve said to my young students, “It’s best if you ask Mommy and Daddy about that” in response to the countless topics our students with inquiring minds and heavy hearts constantly present to us. Questions that come to mind are: “Is it possible to marry your cousin?”, “Mom says two guys can’t get married. Is this true?”, “Daddy says Santa Claus, Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy all know exactly when we go to sleep and they will never come over unless we are asleep. Is it true?” “My momma says our P.E teacher Ms. Smith is too fat to be a P.E teacher. Is she too fat?” “Dad says Democrats are a bunch of idiots. Are they?” “Mommy says it’s not so bad if she only smokes 5 cigarettes a day. Is this true?”

On numerous occasions my young students have blurted out private information about which Mommy and Daddy would be absolutely horrified to know their child’s teacher knows. Topics like Dad’s smelly farts and the stinky bathroom when he finishes in there in the morning, Uncle Eddie slapping his teenage son Danny when he drinks too much Jameson, Mommy’s high pitched voice when their child enters their bedroom unannounced when Mom and Dad have no clothes on, Mommy sometimes sleeping on the Family Room couch after big arguments with Daddy, Mommy’s cigarette-smelling breath and her yellow teeth, Dad’s habit of sleeping without pajamas and the list goes on. These topics have all managed to make their way into the walls of our classroom and from time to time, into our Meeting Circle for all of us to hear.

On the flip side, parents have often repeated to me some details about my teaching practices. They’ve demonstrated verbatim conversations like our subtraction strategy of “visiting a neighbor next door to borrow a ten”, how we find the perimeter of our school’s playground, how we identify run-on sentences and use The Sandwich Method to write a ‘juicy paragraph’ —the two pieces of bread being the Topic and Conclusion sentences and the ‘stuff in the middle’, Juicy Details, how we use our five senses to describe artifacts, and the like.

Parents have demonstrated to me exactly how I stand as I navigate our Smartboard. They’ve recited “Ms. B’s list of Banned Boring Words and Phrases” (nice, good, big, said, and then, like…). They’ve told me correctly my favorite colors, movies, sports, meals, restaurants and travel destinations. They’ve accurately repeated the names and ages of my mom, dad, sisters, boyfriends and pets. They’ve told me my weight, shoe size, dress size and real hair color and that they know I’ve never worn braces, broken any bones or attended sleep away summer camps.

And so, the moral of the story is: When you work with young children, no information is sacred. Watch what you say and do at all times.

And, about the notion: “Yes! You can Google it.” Now, that’s a whole other fascinating topic! Stay tuned…

May 12, 2013 by marybinnewyork

Boy Trapped in Man’s Body

Today’s words to ponder:

5 year old boy (trying to break into another 5 year old child’s furious rant –directed at him –and raising his voice higher and higher with each phrase he uttered)

“What…? What the…? Are we..? Why can’t we just get along…? Ok, well, maybe not that long, just a…Just a little bit then, ok…? Ohhh… Kaaay!? Hellloooo…! ”

This 20-second monologue struck me as a microcosm of some conversations I’ve had in my adult relationships (Yes, even at 30 and 40-something-years old!). This boy’s dramatic hand waving gestures and high pitched voice aimed at getting the attention of the person he was talking to were remarkably familiar.

As this boy spoke, I recalled some of my exes and I following each other around making similar pleas to have ‘our side’ of the disagreement be heard. It occurred to me that somewhere in his short life, this boy had picked up some cues from adults that made him look and sound like a “Boy Trapped in a Man’s Body”.

So, here’s my experience of this boy’s words in the “Grown-Up World”: (of course with lots of other “stuff” tucked between the lines…)

“What?” …This would be the starting word that would cue both of us to make absolutely sure our perspective be heard loud and clear by the other. It would include many clear examples and various samples of supporting evidence for our side of the disagreement. (…which would be the ‘right’ side…)

“What the…?” This would be the phrase that would lead to one of us saying something which sounded completely outrageous to the other because we’d both long since forgotten the reason we were disagreeing in the first place, having sailed down the convoluted path of argumentative tangents, and lost sight of our love for each other

“Are we…?” This would be the phrase that would spark the reaction of our words reaching a boiling point, leading to either of us doing or saying something that could be a “Game Changer” or even a “Deal Breaker”. This would inevitably cause a shift, changing our tone to comments like the boy’s which followed:

“Why can’t we just get along?” This plea would come when the reality of Game Changer/Deal Breaker had set in and the bargaining had begun. It would be spoken with a conviction (bordering on desperation) that all things are still possible, compromise is of course a necessary part of any healthy relationship and certainly, change could be a positive way to move forward together in a loving and respectful way.

“Maybe not that long, just a…” Bargaining would be in full swing here; both of us still very optimistic that the other would eventually ‘come around’ to the other’s point of view and all would be okay again.

“Just a little bit then, okay?” This would be the statement which would define the turning point. It would bring to the surface the futility of believing that we could ever see “eye-to-eye” on issues which challenged our values. It would usually signal Deal Breaker and urge both of us to prepare for the end of what used to be, knowing that getting along ‘just a little bit’ is never enough.

While they were not meant to stay ‘forever’, these special men have been a significant part of my life and have been a positive influence on the woman I am today. They’ve all led me to a place where I’m truly interested in seeing things from a male point of view. I’ve learned a lot and I’m so grateful for this. I still have much to learn.

Respectfully,

She-Who-is-Still-Very-Much-a-Work-in-Progress

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-fitness/200908/top-10-tools-avoid-ugly-arguments

May 4, 2013 by marybinnewyork

Fatso

Today’s words to ponder:

8year old girl (to me): I really like your shirt, Ms. B. You should wear more clothes like that because yesterday you looked a little fat and now I can see that you actually you are not fat at all.

Me: Thanks for sharing your observations with me.

At the surface of this brief interaction, I was flattered that this girl trusted me enough to share what was on her mind. Our mutual respect had been firmly established and she knew it was perfectly acceptable to say anything to me. Indeed, children who are comfortable enough trust their teacher with anything that’s on their minds is a wonderful compliment to any teacher.

Going beyond the exterior of what she said led to an authentic and unexpected bonding experience with this student’s mom and a catapult for all three of us. As I dug deeper into this girl’s comment to the ‘not- so- warm- and- fuzzy’ arena, underpinnings of a girl with an unrealistic body image became blatant. I’ve seen this unfortunate trend and the social pressures involved with it increasingly prevalent among young girls. I’d had several female students who told me that they were “on weight loss programs”, but up until this day, I’d not heard this from girls as young as eight years old.

I am an advocate of healthy eating and regular exercise for all people. I live this way myself and I model these values for my students on a daily basis. So, when an average size eight year old tells me that her mom put her on a diet, it raises the “Teacher Alert Flag”. In this particular situation, my student’s older sister was indeed slightly overweight and was also following a prescribed weight loss program. It was time to call Mom in for a conference.

Their mom, a gorgeous svelte fitness buff and vegan who employed a full-time personal trainer and a cook, told me she was horrified at the idea that she might have two overweight daughters. She told me it was a ‘preventative diet’ that she put her daughter on when I asked about the diet my student told me she was following.

The girl’s mom expressed very clearly that she absolutely did not want to hear any of my pontificating about how girls grow out of their baby fat and normal weight statistics and how young girls’ perceptions of themselves are usually unrealistic.

Rubbish. All of it, she persisted. I am their mom and I can feed them anything I want. I don’t want them to be fat like… Then suddenly a huge intangible force jammed the space and snatched some of the air space between us. After a long awkward pause, her voice lowered to a whisper, she swallowed loudly and muttered the rest of her sentence …fat like me.

But Mrs. X, you are by no means fat, not even close. You’ve got a figure every woman envies. You are perfect, I tried unsuccessfully to convince her before the tears started; first hers, then mine.

I know. I’m not fat now, thanks to all my years of discipline and hard work, but I just cannot and will not let my daughters go through what I did. I just can’t. Sobbing now, her crackling voice reached a hysterical pitch.

I’m so sorry….I let this comment sit between us for a moment, not convinced that I wanted to say anything else, or even be a part of this discussion. I’m sorry you went through it too. I know exactly what you mean, I told her honestly. And to my surprise, I proceeded to relay the details of being bullied during my ‘chubby years’ in Grades 4 and 5.

I can still remember their harsh words, the crushing snickers that followed and the heat of my defeated face as if it happened yesterday. It’s what eventually led me to quit the softball team. It stings to this day, just recalling the words from my cruel teammates, “C’mon, Blubber Baxter! Move it!”, as I jogged, out of breath by second base, rather than sprinting and sliding casually into home base just before the Catcher caught the ball. The shame still creeps up one me sometimes on my not-so-good days. I paused and she said nothing, her inquisitive stare piercing through me.

I wonder if anyone ever knew that I really quit the team because the shame was unbearable and my rigorous work load in school had nothing to do with it, I confided uncharacteristically.

We proceeded to have one of the most bittersweet parent-teacher conferences I’ve had in my career so far. Taking turns sharing anecdotes, thus excavating our painful bully stories and admitting our fears of the possibility of reliving those moments through the precious children in our lives somehow allowed us to move past our haunting memories. Tissue boxes away, hugs exchanged, a vow of silence promised, we agreed in the end to a modified diet for my student. We thanked each other for this unforgettable conference.

All three of us benefitted from this child’s innocent off-the-cuff-remark; a compassionate teacher who knows what it’s like to be bullied for being chubby, a confused student who never wants to know what that’s like and a desperate mother who will do whatever it takes to make sure her daughter never knows what it’s like.

Thank you my wonderful shirt which makes me “a little fat”. I think I’ll wear you more often!

http://www.thriftbooks.com/viewdetails.aspx?isbn=0802775241

http://www.thriftbooks.com/viewdetails.aspx?isbn=0802787339

http://www.newmoon.com/

http://www.aboutfacemag.com/

http://www.agirlsworld.com/

http://www.feminist.org/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zirc1lHaCsY

http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/eating-disorders/what-are-eating-disorders.shtml